As a Dad, I like to think that as I get older... I get wiser, more rounded, and generally more contemplative. Much like the revered elders
of the Native American community, I think experienced dads should be a primary source for sage advice.
Of course, all Dad’s know, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Children run circles around us mocking our slow minds and even slower bodies. Wives regularly work to mask our stupidity from the outside world, in the hope that friends and loved ones won’t see the truth. Co-workers use instant messaging to keep your opinion out of the loop. If dispensing wisdom was a batting average, I feel like I am constantly flirting with the Mendoza-line. Hell, the go-to sitcom formula is the attractive wife “dealing” with the dumb, fat, oafish, out-of-touch husband with a heart of gold, who’s shenanigans are always misguided.
It would be easy throw in the towel and bemoan what you have become, but I must remind you that this is only what others see, and us Dad’s know better. We are more than meets the eye (please don’t sue me Hasbro). We are Dads with wisdom that no one else sees. A wisdom of practicality and logic. A wisdom for today’s society with real world applications. Sure it might not cure the world’s problems, but it might just cure the problems for one person’s world. To many our wisdom may sound like Complaining, but to us Wise Dads, it's simply called... Dad-Splaining.
So now, let me Dad-Splain some Things that Really Grind my Gears...
So now, let me Dad-Splain some Things that Really Grind my Gears...
· Use the Sidewalk – Why do people run or ride bikes in the road when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk 3 feet
away? Did I mention that there are no
cars on the sidewalk? Are they afraid of the
pesky human interaction that comes with being on a sidewalk? Hey Road-walkers... I’m sure the people who spent thousands of
dollars and hundreds of hours of labor making the sidewalks to keep you out of
the street, appreciate you taking a dump on this effort.
·
Thank People who Hold a Door Open – I understand that as generations pass by, the idea of chivalry,
politeness and decorum diminish with every passing year. However, last time I checked, I was bestowed
the following titles: Dad, Husband, Son, fantastic lover, and fixer of easy
home projects. None of those titles is “doorman”
so the next time I take a modicum of time and effort to keep a door from smacking
you in the face, muster up enough energy for a “Thank you.” It's just the right thing to do. And don’t act like you “forgot” to thank
me.
·
Don't pull Shirt
Collars – This one is directed at the kids.
If you are a hands-on Dad, you have given countless piggyback rides and
horsey rides. Please don’t repay my fraternal
duties by using my shirt collar as a saddle worn as if you are trying to stay
on a steer for 8-seconds. Even though I
own between 36-74 shirts, only 4-5 make the final cut for daily rotation. If you stretch the collar out to the size
where a watermelon could fit through, that shirt is now dead to me.
·
Put back your Cart – No one wants to have their car hit by a shopping cart. Hell, I have a crappy ’99 Corolla with no hub
caps, three working door handles and a radio that only turns the volume down,
and even I don’t want a cart to hit my car.
Also, we also all get upset because there are too many cart corrals in a
crowded parking lot disguised as open spaces.
This means, at any given time, you are within 10-25 feet of a cart
corral. Thus….you don’t want your car
hit, and there is a corral very near you, why wouldn’t you put your cart in the
corral? Oh yeah, I forgot, because you’re
a jerk. I digress.
·
Truck
Nuts – Why? Mark Twain once said, “It
is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to
open it and remove all doubt.”
·
Cell
Phone Etiquette – Back in the day when cell phones were just becoming
popular, everyone dreaded the infamous “Loud-Talker.” A person that let everyone within ear shot
know exactly what they were talking about.
Take equal parts this person and new advances in today’s technology and
you get the 2020 version: The "Face-Timer".
Now, not only can we hear what you
are saying, but also the person on the other end. What’s for dinner? Now I know it's leftover Thai. What happened at your work today? Kyle got the promotion and something smells
fishy, that’s what. I’m not
anti-Face-Time, it certainly has its time and place. I would argue that walking through a busy
intersection, down the escalator at the mall or a chiropractor’s waiting room
is neither the time nor the place. This
just in: You aren’t that important.
To many of you, these all seem like complaints. They are more nuanced than that. They are carefully crafted sociological observations built upon a Dad’s experiences. They can and should not be discounted unless you walk a mile in our white New Balances. Share your own Dad-Splainers on GoofyDads and help make the world a better, more self-aware place. And “yes”… your music is way TOO loud.