Are you a Dad in your 30's or 40's? Maybe you lost your fastball and let yourself go? Every Fall, do you dread breaking out your jeans to see which ones still fit? A new study released by a Swedish research institute suggests that this Fall you might need to go cape shopping instead of jean shopping.
The Research Institute of Sweden (RISE) specializes in
public sector research in data collection and cataloging for bioeconomy and
health. Dr. Janell Van Kirk, who
specializes in the human metabolic cycle, has been studying males between the
ages of 25-45 for the past 16 months to see how their bodies change with the
onset of life stressors such as marriage, children, professional demands, and of
course, the psychological affects of “not being 18 anymore.”
“My initial study was to simply see how life changes men and
what are the biochemical responses to life crushing one's soul.” Dr. Van Kirk
outlines. “What I found out, is that as man’s
body changes, his new features give him borderline superhuman features.”
An example of this is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “flygskam” or
as Americans say “lovehandles.” Much
like a smaller, more stout football running back has the ability to make faster
cuts to allude defenders due to a lower center of gravity, a man’s love handles
lower his center of gravity from the shoulders and chest closer to the mid-section. This gives a man with a dad-bod the ability
to have a greater sense of balance and agility.
“The problem” Dr. Van Kirk continues “is that with the extra weight of
the dad-bod, its hard to generate enough speed to utilize this new ability.”
Another superhuman trait is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “misslyckande”
or “dad farts.” Biochemically the male
body changes as the fat-to-muscle ratio changes. This causes unexpected strain on the digestive
system which has to employ a wider variety of bacteria to process the
increase of twinkies, ho-ho’s, swiss cake rolls, fudge rounds, zingers, oatmeal
cream pies, suzy-q’s, ding-dongs, zebra cakes, nutty bars, honey buns, donut sticks,
and if you’re really desperate, sno-balls.
These new bacteria produce methane and sulfuric compounds that are more
potent than a skunk smell, just in a much less concentrated form. In fact, a Dad fart is so pungent, Sherwin
Williams is looking into its chemical composition to market as a new paint
stripper.
Dr. Van Kirk explains “Passing gas has been outlawed in
Sweden since the Great Smell of 1968, so I had to get special governmental
permission to study this area. I believe
the US military is looking into weaponizing the male odor…its that bad, I mean
good. Definitely, much more so than the
average male.”
Other superhuman qualities of the Dad-bod include:
·
Enhanced sense of smell for finding food
·
Harder teeth enamel for eating food
·
Quicker reflexes for grabbing food
·
Boosted empathy for falling in love with certain
foods
·
Heightened emotional intelligence for when
someone is trying to get you to eat healthy food
Dr. Van Kirk will continue her research for the following months
as the COVID-19 quarantine will make Dad-bods more prevalent. Dr. Van Kirk concludes “Just like the
American comic book, X-men, are Dad bods the key to the next step in the human
evolutionary scale? And from a philosophical
standpoint, what happens if everyone has a special Dad-bod? Is no one special?”
So the next time your wife smacks your hand for trying to
put a box of snack cakes in the grocery cart without her knowing, remind her
that if you don’t eat those delicious Tasty Cakes, she is holding you
back from your super hero destiny.