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Breaking News - Dad-Bods have Super Powers!

Are you a Dad in your 30's or 40's?  Maybe you lost your fastball and let yourself go?  Every Fall, do you dread breaking out your jeans to see which ones still fit? A new study released by a Swedish research institute suggests that this Fall you might need to go cape shopping instead of jean shopping.

The Research Institute of Sweden (RISE) specializes in public sector research in data collection and cataloging for bioeconomy and health.  Dr. Janell Van Kirk, who specializes in the human metabolic cycle, has been studying males between the ages of 25-45 for the past 16 months to see how their bodies change with the onset of life stressors such as marriage, children, professional demands, and of course, the psychological affects of “not being 18 anymore.”  

“My initial study was to simply see how life changes men and what are the biochemical responses to life crushing one's soul.” Dr. Van Kirk outlines.  “What I found out, is that as man’s body changes, his new features give him borderline superhuman features.”

An example of this is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “flygskam” or as Americans say “lovehandles.”  Much like a smaller, more stout football running back has the ability to make faster cuts to allude defenders due to a lower center of gravity, a man’s love handles lower his center of gravity from the shoulders and chest closer to the mid-section.  This gives a man with a dad-bod the ability to have a greater sense of balance and agility.  “The problem” Dr. Van Kirk continues “is that with the extra weight of the dad-bod, its hard to generate enough speed to utilize this new ability.”  

Another superhuman trait is what Dr. Van Kirk calls “misslyckande” or “dad farts.”  Biochemically the male body changes as the fat-to-muscle ratio changes.  This causes unexpected strain on the digestive system which has to employ a wider variety of bacteria to process the increase of twinkies, ho-ho’s, swiss cake rolls, fudge rounds, zingers, oatmeal cream pies, suzy-q’s, ding-dongs, zebra cakes, nutty bars, honey buns, donut sticks, and if you’re really desperate, sno-balls.  These new bacteria produce methane and sulfuric compounds that are more potent than a skunk smell, just in a much less concentrated form.  In fact, a Dad fart is so pungent, Sherwin Williams is looking into its chemical composition to market as a new paint stripper.  

Dr. Van Kirk explains “Passing gas has been outlawed in Sweden since the Great Smell of 1968, so I had to get special governmental permission to study this area.  I believe the US military is looking into weaponizing the male odor…its that bad, I mean good.  Definitely, much more so than the average male.”

Other superhuman qualities of the Dad-bod include:

·         Enhanced sense of smell for finding food

·         Harder teeth enamel for eating food

·         Quicker reflexes for grabbing food

·         Boosted empathy for falling in love with certain foods

·         Heightened emotional intelligence for when someone is trying to get you to eat healthy food

Dr. Van Kirk will continue her research for the following months as the COVID-19 quarantine will make Dad-bods more prevalent.  Dr. Van Kirk concludes “Just like the American comic book, X-men, are Dad bods the key to the next step in the human evolutionary scale?  And from a philosophical standpoint, what happens if everyone has a special Dad-bod?  Is no one special?”

So the next time your wife smacks your hand for trying to put a box of snack cakes in the grocery cart without her knowing, remind her that if you don’t eat those delicious Tasty Cakes, she is holding you back from your super hero destiny.

Dad-Splaining - What Really Grinds my Gears

As a Dad, I like to think that as I get older... I get wiser, more rounded, and generally more contemplative.  Much like the revered elders of the Native American community, I think experienced dads should be a primary source for sage advice. 

Of course, all Dad’s know, this couldn’t be further from the truth.  Children run circles around us mocking our slow minds and even slower bodies.  Wives regularly work to mask our stupidity from the outside world, in the hope that friends and loved ones won’t see the truth.  Co-workers use instant messaging to keep your opinion out of the loop.  If dispensing wisdom was a batting average, I feel like I am constantly flirting with the Mendoza-line.  Hell, the go-to sitcom formula is the attractive wife “dealing” with the dumb, fat, oafish, out-of-touch husband with a heart of gold, who’s shenanigans are always misguided.

It would be easy throw in the towel and bemoan what you have become, but I must remind you that this is only what others see, and us Dad’s know better.  We are more than meets the eye (please don’t sue me Hasbro).  We are Dads with wisdom that no one else sees.  A wisdom of practicality and logic.  A wisdom for today’s society with real world applications.  Sure it might not cure the world’s problems, but it might just cure the problems for one person’s world.  To many our wisdom may sound like Complaining, but to us Wise Dads, it's simply called... Dad-Splaining.

So now, let me Dad-Splain some Things that Really Grind my Gears... 

·         Use the Sidewalk – Why do people run or ride bikes in the road when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk 3 feet away?  Did I mention that there are no cars on the sidewalk?  Are they afraid of the pesky human interaction that comes with being on a sidewalk?  Hey Road-walkers... I’m sure the people who spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of labor making the sidewalks to keep you out of the street, appreciate you taking a dump on this effort. 

·         Thank People who Hold a Door Open – I understand that as generations pass by, the idea of chivalry, politeness and decorum diminish with every passing year.  However, last time I checked, I was bestowed the following titles: Dad, Husband, Son, fantastic lover, and fixer of easy home projects.  None of those titles is “doorman” so the next time I take a modicum of time and effort to keep a door from smacking you in the face, muster up enough energy for a “Thank you.”  It's just the right thing to do.  And don’t act like you “forgot” to thank me. 

·         Don't pull Shirt Collars – This one is directed at the kids.  If you are a hands-on Dad, you have given countless piggyback rides and horsey rides.  Please don’t repay my fraternal duties by using my shirt collar as a saddle worn as if you are trying to stay on a steer for 8-seconds.  Even though I own between 36-74 shirts, only 4-5 make the final cut for daily rotation.  If you stretch the collar out to the size where a watermelon could fit through, that shirt is now dead to me. 

·         Put back your Cart – No one wants to have their car hit by a shopping cart.  Hell, I have a crappy ’99 Corolla with no hub caps, three working door handles and a radio that only turns the volume down, and even I don’t want a cart to hit my car.  Also, we also all get upset because there are too many cart corrals in a crowded parking lot disguised as open spaces.  This means, at any given time, you are within 10-25 feet of a cart corral.  Thus….you don’t want your car hit, and there is a corral very near you, why wouldn’t you put your cart in the corral?  Oh yeah, I forgot, because you’re a jerk.  I digress.

·         Truck Nuts – Why?  Mark Twain once said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

·         Cell Phone Etiquette – Back in the day when cell phones were just becoming popular, everyone dreaded the infamous “Loud-Talker.”  A person that let everyone within ear shot know exactly what they were talking about.  Take equal parts this person and new advances in today’s technology and you get the 2020 version: The "Face-Timer".  Now, not only can we hear what you are saying, but also the person on the other end.  What’s for dinner?  Now I know it's leftover Thai.  What happened at your work today?  Kyle got the promotion and something smells fishy, that’s what.  I’m not anti-Face-Time, it certainly has its time and place.  I would argue that walking through a busy intersection, down the escalator at the mall or a chiropractor’s waiting room is neither the time nor the place.  This just in:  You aren’t that important. 

To many of you, these all seem like complaints.  They are more nuanced than that.  They are carefully crafted sociological observations built upon a Dad’s experiences.  They can and should not be discounted unless you walk a mile in our white New Balances.  Share your own Dad-Splainers on GoofyDads and help make the world a better, more self-aware place.  And “yes”… your music is way TOO loud.

Man-Boobs

Many years ago, as a Man with young children, my left nipple inexplicably began to leak.  Yes, just as awkward and grotesque as it sounds, my nipple was lactating.  If I squeezed it hard enough, a clear liquid would shoot out... not as fast as a Super-Soaker, but more like a pimple pop.  Turns out, this was a really cool party trick as I entertained many people/crowds with this baby, and even became known as the great milk-able man!  It was also gratifying to know that I answered Robert DeNiro’s famous question in Meet the Parents.

I must stress… no milk came out.  It was clear.  

In any event, along with the freak show quality of having a leaky nipple, there was an accompanying lump.  At first I didn’t care or give it a second thought.  I was young, invincible and most importantly…A MAN.  After much goading from my wife and mother (Yes, my Mom knew about my nipple squirts) I finally decided to go see my primary care physician.  A mere formality in my mind because I was “strong like bull.”  I’ll just go to the appointment, the doctor will give me some mundane explanation, I’ll show him how it spurts for fun, and I’ll be on my way.  Not so fast buck-o.  Much to my chagrin he ordered more tests.  And by “more” I mean just one test... a Mammogram, or as I say... Man-ogram. 

The doctor explained to me that, while highly uncommon, men can in-fact get breast cancer.  Little known fact that Richard Roundtree, TV’s original Shaft, had breast cancer.  The doctor didn’t tell me that in the office, but if he had, it would have been a leading contender for world’s weirdest doctor appointment.  I digress.  

Turns out there is only one place to get a Man-ogram – A Women’s Health Center.  In case you skipped straight to this paragraph and read nothing else, I am a man... A man with a drippy nipple, but a man none-the-less.  So I had to call and make an appointment at a women’s health center for a Man-ogram where my results would be reviewed by, and I’m not making this up, a gynecologist.  I tried to think of the female equivalent of what I was about to endure and I could only think of a woman having a prostate exam by a urologist.  No problem! I’m an enlightened man, comfortable in my own sexuality.  Despite the fact I’m about to go do something I thought was exclusively reserved for women, in a place that literally says it's for women, and talk with a doctor that only specializes in women... how in the heck could my manhood be affected? Right?... 😳  

Until the day of the Man-ogram…

It all started when I got to the medical complex and I had to ask the building receptionist, where the women’s health center was located.  I will never forget the strange smirk on her face as she tried to figure out if I was joking or not.  Then how her expression changed when she realized I was not joking.  Kind of the look you’d give a man walking out of the women’s restroom because the men’s room was closed.  From that point forward, I knew I was in uncharted waters and all my confidence washed away in the blink of an eye.  

I found my way to the women’s health center, and as you would imagine, seeing the name of the center in pretty pink swishy letters, my confidence level was now at an all time low.  I remember taking a deep breath before I opened the door and prayed to the penis Gods that there would not be many women in the reception area.  In a stroke of good luck, there was no one in the waiting room.  The blood began to rush back into my brain.  I could finally stop seeing double.  I felt safer. 

I strode over to the receptionist to check-in and I know for a fact she could smell my fear.  She didn’t even need me to give her my name.  I didn’t think it odd at the time, but years later I came to the conclusion that she new my name because I was a man at a women’s health center.  She took my insurance and some paperwork to fill-out and I took a seat.  Still no one in the waiting area.  I finished my paperwork and gave it back to the receptionist and sat down looking for a magazine to read.  I had my choice of Better Housekeeping, Cosmo, and Sports Illustrated for women.  I chose to sit in silence.  

That silence was interrupted when another women patient entered the center for her appointment.  A little sweat ran down my brow as I tried to predict what was going through her mind as she looked at me.  There with his wife?  A patient?  Creepster deluxe just there to window shop?  As my mind continued to race, another women entered the waiting area.  Shit was getting real... as now there were four sets of eyes silently judging my intentions.  I kept my cool as my eyes burned a hole in the exam room door, hoping, praying they would quickly call me back.  To no avail.  

As a third women came into the waiting area, I started have a little panic attack.  I thought about standing up and explaining my situation to everyone.  Thinking this would result in them putting away their pepper spray.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  Four or five women came into the waiting area all at the same time.  Like they all car pooled to have their mammograms.  I was feeling faint.  Just as I was debating on whether or not to leave, the penis Gods shone on me once again and the exam room door opened.  The nurse didn’t even have time to call my name, before I darted through the door.  I didn’t care if it was my turn or not... I was next.  I put my head down and barreled into the room like a soldier avoiding a hail of bullets, storming the beaches of Normandy. 

I got into the room and thankfully the nurse helping me was very nice.  She could tell I was nervous.  I tried to make a couple of self-deprecating jokes about being a man here for a mammogram.  The jokes did not land.  I took my shirt off and stood in front of a very intimidating machine.  If you’ve never seen one of these machines before, its sole purpose is to take a piece of you and smash it between two plastic plates.  Hard.  The nurse had me put my left arm above my head and moved me into position, adjusting the height to my faulty nip.  I thought to myself, these machines are designed to smash boobs.  Surely I didn’t have enough material to work with.  I was wrong.  So wrong.  There was plenty to smash.  If I had any manhood left prior to that moment, it was long gone.  

So there I was, a man at a women’s center with a nipple getting smashed, having a mammogram... No big deal.  The smashing didn’t last long and I was released.  I got dressed and left through the gauntlet I ran through to get in the exam room.  A few days later, the OBGYN called me with the results, and thankfully I had No Breast Cancer.  It was something called gynecomastia.  She explained to me that it was not serious at all and commonly referred to as Man-Boobs.  

So there you have it... I am a just an ordinary Goofy Dad like many of you... except I have Man-Boobs that lactate and got my very own Man-ogram.  Don't be jealous. 

Military hopes to use "Dad Farts" as Strategic Weapon

In the ever advancing, one-up man ship of developing new military weapons, the US Army announced that it is looking into the collection and weaponization of flatulence from middle-aged men.  Why middle-aged men?  Anecdotally, a "dad fart" has been known to carry such pungent properties that "clearing a room" is always a possibility.  Dr. Joshua Hopper from the  IChemE - Institution of Chemical Engineers, says the proof is in the pudding.  "Much like KFC's secret blend of herbs and spices, a middle-aged man's body creates a perfect metabolic storm of hormonal secretions and pheromone development.  Couple this with the natural aging of the human sphincter, and the result is a cornucopia of smells that actually work in competition to "out smell" each other."  Dr. Hopper continues, "Middle-aged men are primed for this process as their testosterone levels are at their lowest.  This low level of testosterone has a psychological effect in men, causing them to create smells that can only be described as "losing the will to live.""
 

Along with the putrid smell of "dad farts" Dr. Hopper also points out that flatulence is flammable, making it the perfect candidate for weaponization.  "When the military contacted me about my research, I was studying 12 subjects with round the clock lighter-to-sphincter observation.  The Lt. Col. already knew about the nasal application of my work, but when he saw those 12 middle-aged men lined up with their ankles next to their ears, lighting farts on fire, he knew he had caught lightening in a bottle."

That man he was referring to is Lieutenant Colonel Frank Margello of the US Army.  "The United Nations has banned the use of chemical weapons" Margello explained, "However, this is not your typical chemical weapon.  Most chemical weapons carry properties of either being nerve, blistering, or choking agents.  Through Dr. Hopper's research, we have shown that "dad farts" do not fall into any of these categories.  "Dad Farts" sting the nostrils but provide no permanent damage.   That, plus they are man made... pardon the pun."

Lt. Col. Margello continues "The hope is that we can develop a weapon, that deploys the payload in two stages.

1. Smell insurgency - Locate the enemy hideout and inject a highly concentrated dosage of the chemical.  The desired effect will be to... clear the room.
   
2. Flatulence Ignition - Once the room is clear, the chemical agent will be ignited, creating a flash flame that will vaporize any enemy within a 100 foot radius."

There is no timeline as to when this program will actually begin testing.  Dr. Hopper still has research to develop the means to properly collect and store this new commodity.  As for now, the only information released by the military regarding this program is it's perfect catch phrase:
You smelt it... We dealt it.  

COVID-19 Belly button lint

We all are wondering what we will do during the social distancing/quarantine due to COVID-19.  I've always been fascinated by my belly button lint and thought this would be the perfect time to start a collection and track it for you all to see.  What are the factors for belly button lint?  Hair, belly size, age of the shirt, type of shirt, depth of the innie?

Day 1: Your belly button lint is the size of a small pea.  It appears to have some gray coloring, indicating a grey shirt.  Amazing that this life form started from nothing and in the matter of 12 hours,a t-shirt and a dad bod produced this piece of delicate art.

You Still Need Your Dad

When we become parents, our lives change and our focus shifts to making sure our children are doing okay. That can mean driving them to school, helping them with their homework, helping them get over a girl/boy, or just being there for them when they need us as a motivator. This is our job among many other responsibilities of being a parent. 

During the chaos, it's easy to forget about our own needs and many of us tend to isolate our emotions from those who care about us. We carry all the weight on our own shoulders because we don't want to burden others with our emotional baggage. Getting around to fixing something becomes months overdue, because do not want to burden someone by needing help. We especially do not want to burden our Dads with our baggage, because at this point in our lives we feel like we should be taking care of them. However, that is the furthest thing from the truth and I'm seeing that more and more. It's a two-way street of support and it always will be.

Our Dads are watching our lives from the outside, just like we are watching our kids from the inside. They're much more observant than we may realize. We are so busy being parents ourselves that we forget the desire our Dads have to still play a parental role in our lives. They see our emotions, they worry about us, and most importantly they want to feel our dependency on them. It's about still fulfilling that parental purpose they have spent their entire lives focused on. Many of our Dads have spent everything within their capabilities to ensure our happiness, even into our adulthood.

So what am I saying? I'm telling you to be vulnerable to your Dad. He wants to still play an integral role in your life. Let him know that you still need him because he want to know that you do. There is a very strong change he is waiting for you to call him today with a problem he can fix for you, whether it is a household, automotive, or emotional fix.

Ask your Dad to come help you hang that new TV.  If you're having trouble with fixing your car, call your Dad and invite him over for some help. It doesn't matter if he knows a damn thing about fixing cars. Just call him, because he wants you to. If it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, it's okay to call your Dad and cry. Even though you're an adult yourself, he's waiting to comfort you in your moments of vulnerability. 

I wrote this because one day he may need you to be a beacon of light to help him get through his final days.  He will want to feel as if he did everything he could for you. I also say this because there are plenty of men out there who would do anything to have one more opportunity to have Dad show him how to fix something, better yet hug away his sadness. Just ask someone who has lost their Dad, and they will tell you.

Call your Dad today...

Day with Dad

Our first Day with Dad was a huge success! Thanks to Dave & Buster's, we were able to hook a dad up for a fun day with his kids! Check out our winning dad and his 4 awesome kids...

In case you don't know, I'm the goober riding the Ostrich, and the other goofy dads are in a blow up outfit and the Elf costume. Yes, we scared this poor dad and his family when they walked in... but after they got a few chicken wings and Shirley Temples in them, this family was ready to party!

Dad Proves Driving a Minivan is Actually Cool

Many Dads make the decision to take that leap of faith and buy a minivan. We worry that everyone will make fun of us for driving one. Your life doesn't have to be that way though, because driving a minivan is cool.  We interviewed other minivan Dads about this topic to get their opinions. Here are 10 Reasons Why Driving a Minivan is Cool!

Sliderhea for ALS

Thank you to everyone for helping make our first Goofy Giving Fundraiser a huge success! We had a blast and even though Danny was only able to eat 17 White Castle Sliders, we hit our goal and helped raise over $1,000 for ALS.

Check out the video here...

Goofy Gift Ideas

Check out some of these goofy gift ideas for your favorite dad or just to get the party going!!
I have a lot more fun ones to add along with pictures of us using this stuff too!

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Beer Belly Fanny Pack

I want one of these so bad that I can smell the pretend belly lint! I am buying one as we speak to take on my upcoming Mancation... so I hope to have an updated review and pictures soon!

Bill the Handy Man from Tinder goes Global!

Our very own Bill the Handy Man is taking the internet by storm and now has gone Global! Everyone is talking about him, including... The DailyMail UK & The Bored Panda.

For those who don't know Bill... 

He is a 69 year old Handy Man created by one of our very own GoofyDads, Danny Spears!

Danny took some hilarious photos of himself and then

Dad Bods are more attractive to women than rock hard abs

Chris Pratt (left) and Leonardo DiCaprio

That's right ladies... line up... because us lumpy dads are bringing Sexy Back!!

According to the NY Post:

Men with a slight belly and a distinct lack of cheese grater abs are officially “more attractive” than they were in the past.

Dad bods have been a “thing” since around 2016 and according to Planet Fitness, the modern body type’s popularity is on the up.

Despite the abundance of chiseled men on TV and in magazines, it appears more and more people are turning their backs on the traditional Herculean physique.